Colocation America Reviews: Superpowers

We get a little crazy when we group-Skype, so we thought, “Hey, let’s capture these great moments and put them on the web for four or five people to glance at and then leave.” But then, we had an even better idea: let’s review things. Thus, the first installment of Colocation America Reviews was born. Check back each Friday for more things you don’t care about that we review with authority.

Chris L
Awwwwww, yeah! It’s time–ONCE AGAIN–for Colocation America Reviews! This week, we’re reviewing superpowers!

Q.C. Crea
Like the Soviet Union?

Chris L
Yep, we’re talking national super powers

Q.C. Crea
Well my favorite would have to be The United States of America. Back-to-back World War champs

Chris L
God, I hope USA gets the three-peat. Do you think that Vladamir Putin has super powers? I mean, he has wrestled a bear, rode a moose, and is shirtless most times.

Samantha
Boring – let’s talk about if you could have any super power, what would you have?

Q.C. Crea
Probably the ability to be Vladamir Putin

Samantha
Hold up – Putin goes shirtless? How have I missed this?

Q.C. Crea
Yeah in nearly everything

Chris L
You haven’t seen pics of ol’ Puty shirtless? That’s his default uniform

Samantha
Thank you Buzzfeed – http://www.buzzfeed.com/copyranter/16-homoerotic-photos-of-vladimir-putin 

Q.C. Crea
Welp, give me 5 mins here… I got some, uhhh things to do

Chris L
While Q figures out the feelings he’s feeling– Sam, what superpower would you go for?

Samantha
This is a rough one – I have to go with mind reading/control

Chris L
I’d go for super strength.

Samantha
Why?

Chris L
Because there’s so many things that can break off of that–I can jump high because I’m strong, I can punch through stuff, I’m practically indestructible. Mind control is cool up until I uppercut you to the moon, ya know?

Samantha
You wouldn’t even get the chance! I could make you use your muscles

Chris L
But would you really want to know what everyone’s thinking about all the time? Like, you’d hear everyone’s thoughts

Q.C. Crea
Now do you just have insanely large muscles?

Chris L
No, I’d want to keep the body I have now. I don’t want to be like, Ronnie Coleman or Arnold size

Samantha
But can we agree that mind control and reading is like the same super power? Or is it 2?

Chris L
I’d say it falls under telekinesis? Like, if you have mind powers, you can do various things

Q.C. Crea
Nah telekinesis would be different

Chris L
I feel like having big muscles like that would be a hindrance to my abilities. I wouldn’t be able to find a shirt that fits, let alone a custom made suit of armor

Samantha
Yeah you would – it’s called a sheet

Q.C. Crea
That happens in Dragon Ball Z, btw, when they’re fighting Buu

Samantha
They wear a sheet?

Chris L
Yep, every DBZ character is a ghost

Q.C. Crea
No, the one guy is like super powerful and stuff, but his muscles are too big and the quicker guy beats him

Chris L
Yeah, I value my cat-like agility

Q.C. Crea
The ability to uppercut somebody to the moon would be simply amazing

Chris L
Did I mention I already have cat-like agility in the real world? I do. Don’t question or ask me to demonstrate, just take my word.

Q.C. Crea
How would you be able to do delicate things? Like shoot a basketball without shooting it out of the gym

Chris L
Oh! I could enter MLB and just smack home runs all the time, make millions, and use the millions to buy myself a custom suit of armor.

Q.C. Crea
Hahahahah you have strength, not hand-eye coordination

Samantha
Q – What is your super power of choice?

Q.C. Crea
Information sponge

Samantha
Ok – how would you pick it all up?

Q.C. Crea
Anything I read, hear, etc. will go right in the information bank

Samantha
But people already have that super power…

Q.C. Crea
I would never forget, and would try and learn everything, since I can do that, it would enable me to quickly become omniscient and people would worship me

Samantha
Oh I get it, your goal is to be worshipped?

Q.C. Crea
Sure. But also I can decipher all that information — you know, understand it like instantly. For example, I could look at the most complicated math formula and understand it and solve it in seconds

Samantha
So more like you know everything that has ever been in some human’s brain?

Q.C. Crea
Well, yes and no. I have to encounter it to learn it; so I could look at a ladybug and understand how it works, or a car’s engine, etc.

Samantha
I look forward to controlling your mind then

Q.C. Crea
We have to name ourselves now. I’d call myself MULTIFACETEDMAN

Chris L
Solid use of caps. Makes it seem more intimidating, considering you’re just a guy that learns things.

Q.C. Crea
See, Sam, what you’re forgetting is that I could look at you and understand your superpower and use it

Samantha
But I just want this super power and I do not want anyone to know

Q.C. Crea
I’d know, because I’m MULTIFACETEDMAN.

Samantha
Hold up – do all people with super powers have to be superheroes or super villains?

Q.C. Crea
Basically, I guess I’m Peter Petrelli from Heroes with the added ability to understand EVERYTHING, not just other superpowers. I think superpowers encompasses villains too

Samantha
Ok but why can’t they just be normal people – you know, just chilling and BAM! Super strength!

Q.C. Crea
So you’re saying they don’t necessarily have to be born with these Super Powers?

Chris L
If you have a power, you have to be either a villain or hero. No in-between. I don’t want my cashier having laser eyes.

Samantha
Nope, I am saying that – what is the name of that movie with Will Smith where he is a superhero who does not want to be one? – That movie makes me think nope, no superhero for me

Q.C. Crea
Hitch

Chris L
Yep, Hitch

Samantha
Yeah, that one – he makes it look terrible!

Chris L
Kevin James was his sidekick–Undateable Boy.

Samantha
Plus, I don’t want to be famous

Pictured: BroZilla

Q.C. Crea
Nah, but seriously, you’re thinking of Hancock

Chris L
I like Q’s information sponge super power. Would you use it for good or evil?

Q.C. Crea
Wait why can’t a cashier have laser eyes? Are you saying your superpower is your occupation? Like you have to join the forces of good or evil?

Chris L
Yeah. Pick a side, this is America.

Q.C. Crea
Gotcha. Ummm, I’d probably use it for good, but I’d be totally corruptible

Samantha
Umm, if I have to, I would go with good, of course

Chris L
Lame. I’m trying to rob banks, punch old people to the moon. Just do evil stuff, in general

Q.C. Crea
I feel like I would get very jaded and angsty

Chris L
Throw cats INTO trees

Q.C. Crea
Hahahahahaha

Samantha
That is evil?

Q.C. Crea
Cats love trees

Chris L
Then I’d throw the tree into the moon

Q.C. Crea
Unless you’re just throwing them directly into the trunk

Chris L
Both

Samantha
Wait – your super strength can get you to the moon? Are you telling me Arnold can jump to the moon?

Q.C. Crea
Now does your strength allow for you to penetrate the moon with objects?

Chris L
Yeah, I can jump really high, and at that point gravity will take over. I’m not Arnold strong, I’m like Superman strong

Q.C. Crea
Like could you throw the tree with a cat-outlined-carbon-scorch on the trunk through the moon?

Chris L
I jump really high, get into a low earth orbit, then fart my way to my moon base. I have super strength so I have super strong farts as well

Samantha
Ok and how do you get back down?

Chris L
Jump back down. Why is this so hard to comprehend?

Q.C. Crea
So your lungs are also so strong that they don’t even need air

Chris L
Exactly

Samantha
Also, when was the last time you saw “the world’s strongest man” jump high?

Q.C. Crea
I’d imagine everything you’d do would be powerful

Chris L
I take a breath, jump really high, fart my way to my moon base (which has oxygen)

Q.C. Crea
But he retains his body now

Samantha
So really, you want everything you do to be powerful MINUS your brain?

Q.C. Crea
Brain’s not a muscle

Chris L
WHO NEEDS A BRAIN WHEN YOU HAVE A MOON BASE AND STRONG THIGHS

Q.C. Crea
Be sure to stretch your quads

Chris L
Always

Samantha
You will be so dumb, you won’t know to fart your way back down

Chris L
I got there, I’m sure I can figure out how to fart my way back down

Q.C. Crea
Hahahaha nah, he’d be of his intelligence now, I’d suspect

Chris L
Exactly. I really feel like you guys aren’t grasping what my super power is. I’m the same person I am now, but SUPER STRONG. Like, “beyond anything measurable on earth” strong.

Samantha
“Brah, I just farted my way back to Earth”

Q.C. Crea
Unless he just turns into a bro

Chris L
Super Bro. Evil Bro…BroZilla

​Samantha
BroZilla is the winner

Q.C. Crea
Lmao

Chris L
Yes! BroZilla is my villain name. My moon base is sponsored by Natty Light and Pitbull just gives around-the-clock performances

Q.C. Crea
Hahahahahah. Ok so we have MULTIFACETEDMAN and BroZilla. What’s your name, Sam?

Samantha
Real life – I love Pitbull

Chris L
Figured

Q.C. Crea
Does Pitbull have a superpower?

Chris L
The ability to start a party anywhere

Samantha
Yep. And the inability to grow hair

Q.C. Crea
Ok ok, let’s discuss seemingly “normal” people, like Pitbull, that have secret superpowers that allow them to do what they do

Samantha
(So me…)

Q.C. Crea
Uhhhhh

Chris L
You can’t grow hair?

Q.C. Crea
Let me rephrase–people that the majority of America knows, like Brad Pitt

Chris L
Brad Pitt is Dorian Grey. Never gets old, always gorgeous. I bet he and Angelina have paintings of themselves like Grey too.

Q.C. Crea
I think George Clooney is Old Dorian Grey. Oldrian Grey

Chris L
​Hahaha

Samantha
JLaw’s super power is….

Q.C. Crea
I think we all saw JLaw’s superpower….

Chris L
​HEYOOOOO

Q.C. Crea
AYOOO. GOTTEM!

Chris L
YOU JUST GOT BURNT, JLAW

​Samantha
Aww, poor JLaw

Chris L
Oh I saw JLaw’s superpower. I saw, then saw again. Then saw it again a few days later

Q.C. Crea
10/10 would see again

Samantha
Just to clarify – you are talking about Jude Law, right?

Q.C. Crea
Yes.

Chris L
Nude Law

Samantha
​Ok James Franco’s super power – go!

Chris L
The ability to look high at all times despite never smoking weed.

Q.C. Crea
I think he can see with his eyes closed. Which, as far as superpowers are concerned, it’s a pretty weak one

Samantha
That is a good one! Ok, ok, ok – Shia LaBeouf

Q.C. Crea
Shia LaDouche

Chris L
The ability to motivate other heroes. DO IT! USE YOUR SUPERPOWER! NOT TOMORROW! TODAY! USE IT!
Q.C. Crea
Hahahahahaha

Chris L
Worst superpower on a superhero?

It has to be Aquaman’s ability to talk to fish, right?

Q.C. Crea
Wait is it worst superpower or worst superhero?

Chris L
Worst superpower that a hero has. Jubilee of the XMen also controls fireworks, or whatever

Q.C. Crea
Yeah, that’s lame. Can’t Aquaman, like, summon waves and stuff or is it literally just echo-communicating with fish?

Chris L
I think he has mild control over that stuff

Samantha
Well Rainbow Girl had the superpower mood swings. Apparently there is also Color Kid who had the power to change the color of anything…

Q.C. Crea
Color Kid, huh?

Samantha
I cheated: https://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/arts/comic-books/10-worst-super-powers-ever-created.htm

Q.C. Crea
That was made pre-50s huh

Samantha
So the more I am researching the “worst superpowers” the more people are highlighting how annoying telekinesis is…

Chris L
Yeah, you don’t want to read people’s minds. People are gross

Samantha
But the mind control would be awesome

Q.C. Crea
Would it?

Samantha
Life would be SO easy. “Hey dude, do this for me”

Q.C. Crea
Would you be experiencing their thoughts while controlling them? Or do you just override their brain?

Chris L
Has anybody seen Jessica Jones on Netflix? The main villain has mind control powers/power of manipulation.

Q.C. Crea
Haven’t watched it yet

Samantha
Good mind control powers?

Chris L
It’s very good, check it out

Q.C. Crea
But I’m sure MULTIFACETEDMAN already knows about her

Chris L
Why all caps? And can that fit across your uniform?

Q.C. Crea
I’m wide enough for it

Chris L
What would your uniform look like?

Q.C. Crea
I’d have to go full onesie. Or like footy pajamas or something, with the butt flap.

Samantha
More TMI – I love onesies, haha

Chris L
I want cut off jean shorts, mesh tank top, aviators, American Flag bandana, and leather driving gloves.

Q.C. Crea
The only thing I wouldn’t be able to comprehend is pants’ zippers. That’s my weakness, because everyone has a weakness

Chris L
With “BroZilla” splattered across the front in the style of the American flag

Samantha
‘Murica wins again!

Q.C. Crea
Would your strength enable super speed? Since you’d be able to push off of the ground so hard

Chris L
Yeah

Q.C. Crea
Would you be able to make the Earth spin really quickly just by running?

Chris L
No, I’m not that powerful

Samantha
BroZilla is legit just Hancock

Chris L
F*CKING BROZILLA ISN’T HANCOCK. BACK OFF BEFORE I PUNCH YOU TO THE F*CKING MOON

Samantha
Again, mind control tells you no!

Q.C. Crea
So the Greek Titans have you beat in terms of strength?

Chris L
The Tennessee Titans?

Q.C. Crea
Oh, well, you could probably beat them singlehandedly, like literally with one hand

Samantha
Come on, that isn’t fair – Titans were the sons of Zeus (right?!)

Chris L
Yeah, they’re practically gods

Q.C. Crea
Zeus was the son of the Titan Chaos if I’m not mistaken

Chris L
I’m just a dude with super strength and the ability to fart my way to the moon

Samantha
Was it the Titans that got eaten by Zeus?

Q.C. Crea
Chaos ate all of his children (the other gods) but Zeus tricked him with a poisoned bezoar. LEARN A LITTLE GREEK HISTORY, SAM. I know all of this, obviously, because I’m MULTIFACETEDMAN

Samantha
How about the ability to eat anything? Is that a super power?

Chris L
It is! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matter-Eater_Lad

Chris L
Sam, still waiting on your superhero name and weakness

Q.C. Crea
And Chris, we need your weakness

Samantha
Weakness? None!

Q.C. Crea
Nope everyone has a weakness

Chris L
Wait, Q–what is your weakness?

Samantha
Then again, if you hit me pretty hard I may be knocked out for a bit

Q.C. Crea
Mine is the inability to understand pants zippers and therefore leads me to constantly have to wear pull ups

Samantha
So if we pull them off – what happens?

Q.C. Crea
It’s a weakness because if you put pants on me, I’ll get very confused

Chris L
My weakness is being tickled

Q.C. Crea
If you put pants on me, then I become basically useless

Samantha
I thought it was being dumb, Chris?

Chris L
No, I keep my same body/mind, just super strength. I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep explaining this.

Q.C. Crea
But if you’re tickled, you lose your strength

Chris L
Yeah, like Samson, but with tickling

Q.C. Crea
Right right. So you basically are Hancock

Chris L
I’M NOT F*CKING HANCOCK

Samantha
Exactly my point!

Chris L
I WILL THROW A TREE WITH A CAT STUCK IN THE TRUNK OF IT AT YOU AND YOU, THE TREE, AND THE CAT WILL ALL BE UPPERCUTTED TO THE F*CKING MOON

Samantha
Ok name time: Controller. Weakness: Beanies

Chris L
Beanies because it blocks your mind control powers?

Q.C. Crea
I’m getting awfully strong urges to put on pants, and I don’t know where it’s coming from. I feel like I’m being compelled to do it, though. Like someone is taking over my body.

Chris L
So people wearing beanies is like wearing a tinfoil hat to stop from getting your mind read?

Q.C. Crea
Ohhhh, so you can wear a beanie and be fine, but if I don’t have one on, it’s over?

Samantha
Yeah. Basically.

Q.C. Crea
​*puts one leg through pants* That’s so interesting

Samantha
Chris is wearing a beanie, so he’s fine. Sorry, Hancock aka BroZilla is fine.

Chris L
Mention Hancock one more time. See what happens.

Q.C. Crea
And I’m just wearing a ballcap… *puts other leg through*​ …Let me see if I’m getting this… *pulls pants up*…Chris can’t be tickled or he turns into a weakling and Sam can’t penetrate beanies

Chris L
Correct so far.

Q.C. Crea
​*zips up and buttons pants*​

Chris L
How do those pants fit, MULTIFACETEDMAN?

Q.C. Crea
A little tight in the crotch, but otherwise not bad. I better give them back, though

Samantha
So – you can’t learn anything right now? You are weak and powerless?

Q.C. Crea
Can’t what?

Samantha
Learn… isn’t that your power?

Q.C. Crea
What power?

Samantha
I guess I am correct

Q.C. Crea
Hey… think… guys… I hurts head

Chris L
I’m gonna uppercut both of you to the moon in a minute.

Samantha
Sadly, I couldn’t get close enough to you to take off the beanie you are wearing, but I am sure I could mind control someone to save me off the moon

Chris L
BROZILLA WINS AGAIN. *pounds Natty Light*​

Q.C. Crea
Moon cheese made is

Samantha
Hancock.

Chris L
DIE!

Turns out, once again, that we didn’t actually review anything. But we give superpowers an A+, as long as you’re not being tickled or wearing pants or beanies. BROZILLA OUT.