The Sky is Falling, iPhones Are Bending

Have you heard about the latest iPhone and iOS8 problems? It turns out that everything that comes from Apple isn’t all manna from heaven gifted to us by a ghost Steve Jobs who is using the futuristic iPad7 to communicate with us from the spirit realm. Apple fans have been reporting problems with their new iPhones and recent iOS8 updates.

Apple’s iPhone problems

The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Drop what you’re doing now and run for the hills because iPhones are BENDING!

In case you were wondering, people are having reports of their new iPhone 6’s bending when they sit on them. Don’t fret, however, because there is a simple and easy fix to a bent iPhone: DON’T. SIT. ON. IT.

Did you know if you sit on something made out of flexible—albeit incredibly strong—elements, it might bend? Apparently people who thought it was a good idea to sit on their $600 phone were not aware of this fact.

Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the “hoax” that some users have fallen victim to that says you can recharge your new iPhone if you place it in the microwave. If you are gullible enough to believe that putting your phone in the same place you reheat leftover macaroni and cheese is a good idea, you probably don’t deserve to have a $600 phone. Or a driver’s license. Or a regular job. You should be locked away in a home for people that also microwaved their iPhones and you can all sit around and go, “I thought it would work….”

iOS8 update problems

The issues with the new iPhone don’t stop there because Apple released an iOS8 update today that resulted in users not being able to receive cell signals—essentially rendering their phone not a phone. Users reported that they were not able to make or receive calls, texts, picture messages or pretty much anything that involves cellular data.

Many users noted immediately that they couldn’t use cellular data on their phones, while Apple responded, “Think of it like carrying around a smaller iPad!” before finally pulling the update.

The problem is that Apple is notoriously difficult when it comes to reverting back to a previous software version after you’ve downloaded the latest one. So users that downloaded the new update and are afflicted with the cellular data problems are pretty much SOL until Apple releases another update to fix that.

There’s only one thing that can alleviate Apple’s terrible, no good, very bad day: Ghost Steve Jobs. Steve, use your spirit world ghost powers to save us!