This Week in Getting Hacked: Protect Your Pacemaker Edition
January 20, 2016
How To Discover Yourself Through Life Experiences
January 25, 2016
Chris L
Welcome, once again, to Colocation America Reviews! This week, we’re taking a long look at ANIMALS! Let’s get started: what’s everyone’s favorite animal?
Q.C. Crea
Ever? Or non-extinct?
Chris L
Let’s go with “ever”?
Samantha
So dinosaurs are legit?
Chris L
I mean, depending on if you believe the world is older than 6,000 years, yes, dinosaurs are legit.
Q.C. Crea
Anyways, my buddy T-REX—HOLLA ATCHABOY
Samantha
With his little arms?
Q.C. Crea
Yes. He’s my favorite animal
Samantha
Interesting
Chris L
Did you guys know that the T-Rex we see probably was closer to what a chicken looks like than a lizard?
Q.C. Crea
Really? That’s alright. I love chicken.
Samantha
I can see that. Get it, get it!
Chris L
Photo Credit: theanimalglobe.com
Q.C. Crea
That’s amazing
Samantha
I dig the tail
Q.C. Crea
Is the man he’s being compared to dressed in a suit of armor? Is he the Tin-Man?
Chris L
Yep
Q.C. Crea
Ok favorite companion of Dorothy — go! Mine is The Cowardly Lion.
Chris L
The Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Scarecrow were actually around during the Jurassic Period
Q.C. Crea
Hahaha of course they were
Chris L
Also, did you know that T-Rex didn’t live at the same time as, say, a Stegosaurus?
Samantha
Why not?
Q.C. Crea
I did know that, actually. Dinosaurs were around forever, man. Like, a loooooong time. Dr. Allan Grant, however, was not
Chris L
Sam, the T-Rex and Stegosaurus were alive at different periods, as far as I know.
Samantha
Too much badassness to be in one time period?
Chris L
Article: What did dinosaurs from Jurassic Park really look like?
Q.C. Crea
Do you remember Disney’s Fantasia where the Stego tries to fight the T-Rex? Are you calling Walter Elias Disney a liar?
Samantha
YES! I love Fantasia, haha
Q.C. Crea
I’m far more inclined to believe Mr. Disney over some textbook
Samantha
Speaking of animals – hippos are awesome. But not as awesome as tortoise
Q.C. Crea
Hippos are dangerous. They kill the most humans I believe
Chris L
Hippos kill the most people worldwide, more than literally anything else (don’t quote me on that).
Q.C. Crea
Hahahaha I thought so
Samantha
Really?
Q.C. Crea
They’re so territorial
Chris L
The flu isn’t as dangerous as hippos (That might not be statistically or factually correct)
Samantha
I clearly know nothing about animals
Q.C. Crea
Hahahaha not in the least bit
Q.C. Crea
A Hippos with the Flu is just terrifying
Samantha
Double whammy
Chris L
Oh god, to meet a hippo with a flu is like seeing a kangaroo with a cold. You DO NOT want to mess with that. Anyways, back to dinosaurs… Scroll down on this page for a sweet portrait of two T-Rex’s mating
Photo Credit: smithsonianmag.com / Mario Modesto (linked above)
Samantha
So our education system lied to us again?
Q.C. Crea
Disney didn’t! I maintain that every aspect of his beloved films are factually and scientifically accurate to the T!
Chris L
Yep, mice can talk. So can ducks.
Samantha
I agree – Peter Pan and I are close friends
Chris L
Actually, most animals speak perfect English, they just choose not to
Q.C. Crea
Hey Donald isn’t wearing pants and I’ve never seen a duck wear pants, so that matches up. Proof enough for me. Anyways–favorite duck? Go!
Samantha
Mighty Ducks!
Q.C. Crea
I think mine is Scrooge McDuck
Chris L
Photo Credit: youtube.com
Peking.
Samantha
The whole team!
Chris L
Even the Bash Brothers?
Samantha
Most ducks are versed in how to shoot knuckle pucks.
Q.C. Crea
So are ducks in anyone’s top 5 favorite animals?
Chris L
No, but let’s keep that idea going…Top 5 animals. Go!
Q.C. Crea
- T-Rex
- Grizzly Bear
- Dog
- Cat (big and small)
- Silverback Gorilla
Samantha
Turtle, dog, horse, plankton (if we count it), and the first animal to walk on land (tetrapod)
Q.C. Crea
That’s an awfully specific list
Chris L
Tiger, Gorilla, Otter, Great White Shark, Blue Whale (in no particular order)
Samantha
Wait Chris, it seems like you like big… packages…. interesting
Chris L
What are you implying?
Samantha
Nothing. So far – dogs win!
Q.C. Crea
So gorilla and dogs are tied; cats are too if we count my distinction
Chris L
I like my dog, but I’d trade her in for an otter in a heartbeat. A tiny, adorable otter heartbeat
Q.C. Crea
So who would win? Gorilla vs Dog vs Tiger. This is in a fight
Chris L
Gorilla
Samantha
A physical fight? Gorilla
Q.C. Crea
Over a Tiger?
Chris L
Ok wait…let’s settle this. We need neutral ground.
Q.C. Crea
To the Zoo!
Samantha
Have you never seen Planet of the Apes? Or met a human?
Chris L
A gorilla and a tiger are both dropped from a plane and have to fight in midair. Who wins?
Photo Credit: current360.com
Q.C. Crea
The ground wins
Chris L
It’s an eternal free fall.
Q.C. Crea
Alright. I’m taking the Gorilla, I guess
Chris L
I’m also not going to put a gorilla and a tiger on a plane
Q.C. Crea
Ok, so one of these animals escapes while your midair on a plane. Which are you more terrified of?
Samantha
Tiger
Chris L
Ohhhh, like a Snakes on a Plane kinda thing? Tiger
Q.C. Crea
Hahaha yeah, those claws man
Chris L
The gorilla would probably want more pretzels
Samantha
What animal scares you the most?
Q.C. Crea
Bears
Chris L
Tiger
Q.C. Crea
I think a Grizzly would mess up a tiger. Polar, Grizzly, and Kodiak I believe would beat a Tiger
Chris L
I submit this as my proof that tigers are terrifying.
Samantha
That doesn’t look like it will end well. Oh well it clearly did not… he is bleeding. It looks like the elephant survived so we are good
Chris L
That bright orange tiger effectively hid itself in short green grass. There might be a tiger behind you right now and you’d never know
Q.C. Crea
Elephants are awesome. They’re probably No. 6 on my list
Chris L
Elephants are nature’s tanks
Q.C. Crea
Baby Elephants are particularly adorable. Ok, top 5 cutest baby animals. Go!
Samantha
Cutest baby animals? Honestly, I just want to Google this to see “hot guys hold cute baby animals”
Q.C. Crea
- Puppies
- Red Pandas
- Hedgehogs
- Elephants
- Kittens
Chris L
Otter, most primates, kittens, elephants, meerkats. Look at this little face.
Photo Credit: buzzfeed.com
Q.C. Crea
Photo Credit: hdpixa.com
Chris L
Aww, he loves leaves
Samantha
Fine – I will go with pigs, hedgehogs, puppies, loris, and, um, porcupines
Chris L
Loris? Is that your neighbor? I wanna see a baby loris
Samantha
Photo Credit: brainparking.com
Look the eyes!
Q.C. Crea
Look at this baby porcupine!
Photo Credit: themetapicture.com
Chris L
That’s so cute I just ovulated.
Q.C. Crea
Alright, I’ve been wanting to ask this since we started: Construct yourself out of animal parts (tail included) to make yourself the perfect animal
Samantha
Again, do humans count?
Q.C. Crea
Yes
Samantha
And “perfect” for us? Or for like THE ULTIMATE BEING
Q.C. Crea
The ultimate animal. Head, eyes, ears, mouth, torso, arms, legs, tail
Chris L
Human head, bat ears, eagle eyes, crocodile mouth, turtle torso, gorilla arms, cheetah legs….zebra penis *VERY NSFW (editor’s note: link removed… *sigh* just google it).
Q.C. Crea
Btw, Sam, in Chris’ example, he’d have all four Cheetah legs, and his gorilla arms — much like a Centaur
Chris L
Don’t forget that zebra hammer
Q.C. Crea
And dangling and flopping inbetween those cheetah legs is that prize hog
Samantha
Human head, goat eyes, bat ears, snake mouth, gorilla arms, centipede legs, chameleon skin
Q.C. Crea
Goat eyes?
Samantha
They can see pretty much 360 degrees (it’s like 340 or something)
Chris L
Whoa, really? That’s awesome
Q.C. Crea
Oh I didn’t know that – that’s very awesome!
Chris L
See, we’re over here talking about zebra members and Sam is doing actual research. But for real though, that knotted rope
Samantha
I did it only on the eyes and then I got distracted reading about the “6 most badass murder weapons in the animal kingdom“
Chris L
Spider eyes wouldn’t be bad. Maybe spider legs over cheetah legs that way I can crawl everywhere
Samantha
I thought the largest package goes to whales
Q.C. Crea
Alright, I’d go human head, fox ears, falcon eyes, great white shark mouth, bear torso, gorilla arms, horse legs, and an opossum tail
Samantha
So I researched it… I was wrong… for the size of body to package, the winner is barnacles
Chris L
Oh, nice call on opossum tale
Samantha
I forgot about a tail all together! I guess my perfect being doesn’t have one
Chris L
You can substitute a tail for genitals, if you wish
Q.C. Crea
Guys, don’t you think that maaaaaaaaaaaybe we should review something in one of these?
Chris L
Nope
Q.C. Crea
That’s fair
Chris L
If you could keep any animal as a pet, what would you choose?
Samantha
Now I am looking at the top hermaphrodite animals
Q.C. Crea
Ok, top 5 hermaphroditic animals… go!
Chris L
I would actually like to see that list, but answer my pet question first, dammit
Q.C. Crea
Oh right right. Am I in danger if I keep any of these animals?
Chris L
You have dominion over all the animals so they won’t attack you (LIKE THE LORD INTENDED).
Q.C. Crea
Oh ok ok. Ummmm, probably just a dog, they’re pretty cool pets
Samantha
I agree
Q.C. Crea
I feel like they’re loyal as sh*t and can do things
Chris L
Isn’t that subjective, though? Since, like, you don’t know what it’s like to have a cheetah as a pet. I’d go with cheetah.
Samantha
If I could actually ride a horse around, I would go with one of those but only if I can go down, say Ventura Blvd, on one
Chris L
I don’t see why you couldn’t ride a horse on Ventura Blvd if you owned it.
Q.C. Crea
Horse wouldn’t be bad, but I already have a car. What could a cheetah do that a dog couldn’t though?
Chris L
Fetch quicker
Q.C. Crea
I outweigh a cheetah, so I couldn’t ride it
Samantha
You ride your dog?
Q.C. Crea
Poorly. She doesn’t like when I do
Samantha
Everyone should know your dog is like 30 pounds not 100*.
Q.C. Crea
Hey now! She’s around 55-60 lbs.
Samantha
Less than a cheetah, haha
Q.C. Crea
But I’m a solid 245-250, so it works out well for us
Chris L
I’d want a gorilla. Train him to drive me everywhere. I feel like if I had a pet gorilla, I’d actually end up devolving into a caveman and just communicate through a series of grunts and gestures
Q.C. Crea
Hahahahah that’s true, but if somebody tried to rob your house, you’d have a pet gorilla
Samantha
Side note: a real question on this site: “how to tell if YOUR Colombian Red-Tail Boa is a male or female”
Chris L
What’s the answer? Check its driver’s license
Q.C. Crea
Oh, right right. I want that.
Samantha
Sadly, the only way to determine it is by “probing”. I am sure that won’t feel good
Q.C. Crea
Alright so you have to probe its butt?
Samantha
Do you think someone makes their entire living off of being a model with animals?
Chris L
Yes
Q.C. Crea
Oh most likely. Some women in Mexico are famous for their animal shows.
Chris L
Deep cut reference
Samantha
I don’t even want to know where you two are going with that.
Chris L
He’s going to Tijuana with it. Hint hint, wink wink
Samantha
Ok gross. So yeah, probing a snake involves, “gently inserting a smooth, blunt, steel probe into a snake’s cloaca and deducing the snake’s gender by feeling the internal structure.”
Chris L
I’m turned on now
Samantha
You are clearly not a woman, haha
Q.C. Crea
I’m full Zebra right now
Chris L
This one has really gotten away from us. This is our chat:
Photo Credit: experiencedynamics.com
Q.C. Crea
Hahahahahaha
Samantha
Favorite animal movie?
Chris L
Homeward Bound. Or…Harry and the Henderson’s
Q.C. Crea
Jurassic Park
Chris L
Ahh sh*t, forgot about JP
Samantha
No Beethoven? Haha
Q.C. Crea
Maybe Jumanji
Chris L
Jaws?
Samantha
Jumanji! Solid!
Chris L
Jaws 3: The Revenge
Q.C. Crea
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is also up there. No love for Mr. Poppers Penguins? Oooo that reminds me! Penguins of Madagascar is amazing. So is Lion King?
Samantha
What about Mary Poppins?!
Chris L
Are there even animals in Mary Poppins?
Samantha
Just thought of something – are fairies considered animals?
Chris L
Woah…no. Fairies are mythical beings, definitely not animals
Samantha
So unicorns are out to?
Q.C. Crea
Nope. Unicorns are animals
Samantha
What about singing, mining, dwarfs?
Chris L
No
Q.C. Crea
No. Neither are orcs, goblins, or ghouls.
Samantha
What about mice and birds that do chores?
Chris L
Yes, because those are actual animals. Where does your confusion about “animals” come from?
Q.C. Crea
Ok—favorite mythical animals? I’m going with dragons.
Samantha
Loch Ness! I went to Scotland and saw where it lives! Well, I drank and pretended to care
Chris L
Sasquatch a.k.a Bigfoot a.k.a Gigantopithecus a.k.a Ya Baby’s Daddy is my favorite
Q.C. Crea
Both solid choices.
Chris L
Do you think dragons could have, at some point, lived? Because I fully believe that Bigfoot was real at some point and I’m not totally sold that he isn’t real. The woods are pretty friggin big. Like…there’s a lot of forest out there.
Q.C. Crea
That’s quite true. My father-in-law told me that porcupines eat their bones and that’s why we never see their bones
Samantha
What size is Bigfoot’s foot?
Q.C. Crea
Big
Chris L
We rarely find bear skeletons, either, and they are real.
Samantha
I don’t know about you two but I rarely find any bones. Period.
Chris L
Heyoooooo
Samantha
What was the name of that animal Neapolitan Dynamite created?
Chris L
Liger. Actually a real animal.
Q.C. Crea
Yeah that’s real
Samantha
Why do I have like a dragon thing in my head? It must be a different movie!
Chris L
He might’ve drawn his with wings. Do you think Loch Ness (the lake) could sustain Loch Ness (the monster)?
Samantha
Um – it did seem pretty big, so maybe?
Q.C. Crea
Not as big as that zebra baby’s arm, though.
Chris L
Aaaaaaand we’ll stop there.
Staying with the theme, we never actually reviewed any animals, but upon further review the consensus seems to be that the dog—both large and small breeds—are the favorite animal, receiving an A+ across the board from Sam, Q, and Chris, all of whom are dog owners. BIAS IS REAL.
